So its been established what this blog is really about. Its my venting space where I can put my thoughts down in text, to an empty crowd that doesn't want to hear. I find it better venting here than in social media, although I want people to know, I don't want the attention. Getting it down in blocks of text is the easiest way to vent, and so to not annoy people on the social networks, here I am venting to an empty crowd.
I'm moving forward in life, I've entered a place where I want to be. But when I look around that's only true if I close my eyes to the facts around me. I haven't moved anywhere at all. I feel like I'm back at square one, my paranoid self afraid of losing friends and trust. So I keep it bottled up, afraid of lashing out, but I think I'm on the verge of breaking down again. Writing this is releasing some of it in a way, and as long as no one I care sees this it'll be my place to vent.
So some back story I suppose. I've moved on from my course and moved into university, an accomplishment that has made me extremely happy. However, others, my friends, who graduated with me have moved on to do other things, greater things. Opportunities have been given to them and I feel as if that opportunity had never really been given to me. Where to begin with this, I suppose we'll start with the contest.
A contest was made quite recently at the tail end of last year, a contest that was held secret from me until I pried and managed to get answers. I got my answers and I gave them mine, it didn't feel right to join them when they never asked me in the first place. Honestly I felt hurt, I understood why they didn't tell me, but it hurt regardless. Fast forward to half way through the first semester of university 3 months later, they've won the contest a couple of months ago and are now working directly with the company. Here's where the real kicker is. They're leading a team to help the industry and in turn reap rewards, they launch an event where they tested various people to see who they would let into their team. I couldn't attend (and I say this gritting my teeth), life sometimes doesn't let you do the things you want to do. Partially blamed on university and partially blamed on my life I lost the opportunity and it pains me so. There wasn't a night from then till now wishing that I could reverse time and change my decision. But even then it couldn't have been done, I have too many obligations, too much responsibilities. And so opportunity lost, but it angers me that it was stipulation to enter, one thing I had to attend. There's no describing how much rage I'm actually in, thinking about it is like attempting to uncork a shaken up bottle of wine.
Now here we are, in a state where these people are moving forward. People who never really had a direction to begin with. I did, and what did it do for me? Drive me further into this pit of despair, it seems everything I do is a wrong decision. So why do I even try? Why do I waste my time?..... I don't even know that answer. And here I am, alone, people not responding to me. Out there having their dreams come true. And me? Still wasting my life away it seems.
