Look who's back

So its been established what this blog is really about. Its my venting space where I can put my thoughts down in text, to an empty crowd that doesn't want to hear. I find it better venting here than in social media, although I want people to know, I don't want the attention. Getting it down in blocks of text is the easiest way to vent, and so to not annoy people on the social networks, here I am venting to an empty crowd.

I'm moving forward in life, I've entered a place where I want to be. But when I look around that's only true if I close my eyes to the facts around me. I haven't moved anywhere at all. I feel like I'm back at square one, my paranoid self afraid of losing friends and trust. So I keep it bottled up, afraid of lashing out, but I think I'm on the verge of breaking down again. Writing this is releasing some of it in a way, and as long as no one I care sees this it'll be my place to vent.

So some back story I suppose. I've moved on from my course and moved into university, an accomplishment that has made me extremely happy. However, others, my friends, who graduated with me have moved on to do other things, greater things. Opportunities have been given to them and I feel as if that opportunity had never really been given to me. Where to begin with this, I suppose we'll start with the contest.

A contest was made quite recently at the tail end of last year, a contest that was held secret from me until I pried and managed to get answers. I got my answers and I gave them mine, it didn't feel right to join them when they never asked me in the first place. Honestly I felt hurt, I understood why they didn't tell me, but it hurt regardless. Fast forward to half way through the first semester of university 3 months later, they've won the contest a couple of months ago and are now working directly with the company. Here's where the real kicker is. They're leading a team to help the industry and in turn reap rewards, they launch an event where they tested various people to see who they would let into their team. I couldn't attend (and I say this gritting my teeth), life sometimes doesn't let you do the things you want to do. Partially blamed on university and partially blamed on my life I lost the opportunity and it pains me so. There wasn't a night from then till now wishing that I could reverse time and change my decision. But even then it couldn't have been done, I have too many obligations, too much responsibilities. And so opportunity lost, but it angers me that it was stipulation to enter, one thing I had to attend. There's no describing how much rage I'm actually in, thinking about it is like attempting to uncork a shaken up bottle of wine.

Now here we are, in a state where these people are moving forward. People who never really had a direction to begin with. I did, and what did it do for me? Drive me further into this pit of despair, it seems everything I do is a wrong decision. So why do I even try? Why do I waste my time?..... I don't even know that answer. And here I am, alone, people not responding to me. Out there having their dreams come true. And me? Still wasting my life away it seems.

Seems so...

Seems I only come back here when I get stuck in a rut. I suppose I knew it myself, who was I kidding when I said this blog wasn't going to be depressing. It's what its here for I suppose. So I've been thinking, about my life, about my future, but especially the people around me. I don't mean my family though, I barely have one. I mean my friend, those I've known for years. I wonder how longer we'll keep in touch and it saddens me to know that sometime in the future we'll be gone. Speaking to each other only on occasion or even never at all.

What I'm afraid of is though, is people going away. The friends I have now are probably the best I could ever hope for, those that are always there when I need them. But I feel like I'm losing someone very close to me slowly every day. We used to be close friends, but now, were nearly no more than acquaintances who happen to have known each other since we could barely talk.

I should be more thoughtful, he has more than just me to hang out with. It's nice to have someone there, someone to care for you more than a friend can. I've never experienced it myself, I have to some extent, but it wasn't that kind of affection. Since then I've been very self conscious on how I've approached the subject, I've always been bad at it. Never receiving the same sort of affection in return, in essence I don't know what it feels like. Love....

It changes people, for better or for worse. That's for them to decide as a couple, they now share the same road. As for the rest of us, we take the highway or for some the low road. For me, I can't say, at times I feel sad and at others I feel lucky that I don't have to deal with all the stress. But it's really that I just don't know how to feel that way towards someone else. I don't know how it works, I'm not sure if I ever will know.

Maybe there's someone out there, waiting, thinking the same thing as me.... in the end I really am just making a small cry out for help.
Someone to be there.
Someone to understand.

....... That someone.

Again ...

So here I am again, after being away for so long, my own little place on the internet. I'm actually not quite sure why I'm starting this up again. Maybe it's because of my new endeavors, or maybe because I just need space to vent.

I think the real reason though is that I need somewhere I can speak my mind without having to worry about the public's consensus. I also need a place where my feelings and my daily life and come together. This way maybe I can keep my sanity, living in a place where people only care about themselves.

I suppose many people think of the world this way, I'm not the only one for sure. I shouldn't make excuses for myself but I will and that's only because I'm human. It's the way we work, the way we live. I'll try and make this blog less depressing than I would like to but there is no real promise, there will be days where I will vent about one thing or another.

I plan to show a little of my work, something from either projects or personal experiments. Most of it will probably be drawing, snippets from a history of some kind, and sometimes even lines of programming languages I'm learning.

Oh and for the off chance that someone is actually reading or following this blog.

Welcome to the "Thoughts of a non-important individual".